So sorry about being miss Absent – my life is superbusy! Picture me buzzing around like a bee, trying to get everything done I do make myself and my health a priority though, my ability to live life depends on my physical and mental condition.
Know that I’m thinking of you all – if there is anything, send me a tweet, mail or message at Facebook <3

What has been going on in my life? Well, something rather interesting – a project on antisemitism, both in a historical context and in contemporary Europe. No research without taking a dip into the past, to help us understand the present situation better. This is probably the most exciting thing I’ve participated in for six years. Learning about different types of discrimination, constructions of twisted and dangerous world views and defining one specific group as an evil ” Other” is painful, but it also makes me feel alive again. This is what I’m passionate about and each day I follow my passions a clear message to ED is send – ” My life is better off without you. “
This project does take a lot of my time, so I am not quite sure how it will be with blogging in the nearby future. Blogging is therapy to me, and reading your blogs is thoughtprovoking and inspirational . Hopefully I’ll be having more time after this project is finished

Apart from that I am doing quite good recovery – wise, though there has been a couple of rough moments. We can’t hand out a ” What not to say… “- book to our brothers and sisters on this planet , but it could be an idea for people not to say things such as ” What, do you have to gain more weight? I think you look fine now!” to someone who is not yet completely healed. Just an advice. This comment definetely posed a threat to my mental state, but perhaps I should feel grateful in a way. To be challenged by other people’s words are an opportunity for me to prove to myself that I do actually prioritize my health, no matter what fight I must go through. Your awesome comments have all been very helpful to remind me of this, and to increase my motivation to do what it takes. Thank you – you mean life to me.

****

Now, my appeal. Last year was an incredible year to me in many respects. For the first time in 6 years I followed a meal plan 100%. No restriction. No bingeing. It was hard, but worth it. Realizing that I was actually able to gain weight empowered me and made me believe that recovery is possible. It is amazing what an effect proper nutrition can have on the human brain – you could say that I ate my way to a more rational state of mind. Rational and happier. The power of food should not be underestimated, because even though recovery does not happen solely through eating , good nutrition is crucial to reverse some of the psychologial effects of being underweight.
Though, looking back also brings a certain pain within. There were lives lost. On 22. july Anders Behring Breivik killed so many innocent people, but eating disorders also claimed their victims. Three friends of mine were eaten up by this destructive illness. They tried to do it on their own, refusing to accept sufficient therapy. I can understand their resistance towards therapy very well, handing over control over our own life to someone else. But tell me – what control do we have left when an ED consumes our lives? Not much.
We can not change what happened to these three beautiful people, but we can change what happens to us. There are many blogs in this “community”, individuals who all find themselves in different situations regarding recovery. My appeal is primarily directed to those who struggle the most – who do not recieve enough therapy, who are not part of a support team and who do not eat enough to gain weight and with that life. Seek help. Don’t let the fear holding you back, because one day it might be too late. I see people go month after month without any signs of change, neither bodily nor mentally. There is a risk that such an existence leads to a belief that it is not possible to change, the anorexic state becomes normalized and that is dangerous. None of you have to live like this, nor do you need to suffer in silence.
I know some people argue they are too proud to ask for help, they want to recover on their own. What pride is it in slowly withering away? Of course there are those who do manage to fight their way out without therapy, but there are also many people who go day after day with an increased sense of hopelessness and frustration within.
To me, I don’t think it is so much pride that is holding us back from seeking help – it is fear. Fear of loosing the one thing that to us provides safety and protects us from the world. Therapy will not allow you to keep that source of safety, it will take it away from you. Bit by bit. Meal by meal. Forced or voluntary from your side. However, recovery doesn’t take without giving back- through the long and hard process we recieve a new attitude towards life and ourselves. Learning to use other sources to feel protected, learning that it is okay to be us, encouraging us to believe in ourselves. This is why recovery is worth it – you get a life again.
This is not an attack on anyone, please don’t interpret it as such. I am not saying any of you are lazy or stupid for not seeking help, because I know that is not what prevents you. It is a fear that could be lethal. So my appeal – and my hope – for 2012 is this : That those who deal with darkness on their own, dare to accept the hands that tries to reach out. Hold on to them and allow yourself to be supported back to life. You still have to take the steps yourself, and they’ll be challenging, but you will walk them supported by love from those around you. No more talking and not doing. We can’t talk our way to recovery. It has to be combined with eating.
We are not our eating disorders, but we will never discover who we are unless we truly heal. One life lost to an eating disorder is one too many, I do not want these evil forces to rob a beautiful person of her or his future.

***

The two awesome people Eliza and Elizabeth  nominated me for a Versatile Blogger Award, so I’ll share some facts about me.

1 ) I have read the Bible. When I say this, people often ask ” Why? You are not even sure if you believe in Christianity?” Well, that shouldn’t be a precondition to stick my nose into a book that means so much to millions of people. I treat it as a way to understand people better, to get an insight into the values and doctrines they base their lives on. And for someone who studies anthropology it is highly interesting to see the similarities between the Old Testament and other myths of origin.

2 ) For four years I went with my dad to the local soccer matches. Not because I think soccer is fun, but because teenage Hedda found the players so smokin’ hot.

3 ) Most people don’t know that some of my favourite music is from the days “where they made real music”. Think 60 / 70, / 80. Van Morrison, Fleetwood Mac . . .

4 ) With that being said, I had the hugest crush on Aaron Carter. ( soccer players, Aaron Carter… what a sex drive at such an young age, haha! ). I was even convinced I saw him in my local area. Don’t ask me how I rationalized him being here in Norway, playing tennis and doing “normal” things without anyone else knowing.
Crazy little pary boy, how I loved him…

5 ) Philosophy is a subject that should be obligatory in schools if you ask me. We could all benefit from learning how people have tried to make sense of their existence here on Earth and the phenonomas they’ve observed around them, as well as developing a critical mind.

6 ) The movie I’ve watched most times is Happy Feet. It is a brilliant movie!

7 ) Hmm… what to write here… I believe the world could do with more equality. We live in a world where large groups are still discriminated and marginalized, which is neither natural nor necessary. Inequality is to a significant extent socially produced, hence it is possible to also produce equality. Not just in terms of material wealth, but in terms of what life chances people have. Access to education, proctection of human rights etc . . . We all deserve that!

Yup, that was a little bit about me. I don’t know who to nominate, nor do I tend to pass these awards forward ( booh, how boring of me! ).

But tell me what your favourite movie is Oh, and how this new year has treated you so far!

Okay, one more song – music makes life better!

Kick off your shoes and dance and sing ^^

***

Before you start reading, head on to the closest mirror and take a good look at yourself.

Done? You now have the permission to read further. What did you see? Or perhaps it is better to ask : who looked and evaluated your body?
Was it from an perspective where every hint of fat is deemed as the greatest sin? Or one where you acknowledge your own uniqueness and realize the beauty in being you?
For the last couple of months my mind has consolidated a positive attitude towards my own body – it is no longer judged in terms of ugly, bad, fat or disgusting. I don’t feel like cutting it into pieces, nor sit down in a corner and cry. Countless tears have been shed due to the experience of being in my own skin. Trapped in my body. A dark and distorted way of relating to myself. I’ve seen fat where there has been only skin and bones. Today I see the fat, I feel it. It is on my arms, stomach, hips, legs . . . But I no longer feel like starving it off. Why? Because a part of me has fallen in love with the effect of what the fat is an expression of – a healthier and stronger body. A healthier and stronger life.

Last week I took part in a debate about weight in recovery. We all agreed upon the weakness of using BMI as our only measure, as it does not take into account our individual body types. To define a ” target weight ” for anorexia patients is a complicated issue where the therapists are dealing with someone who is filled with fear of the prospect of eating. An essential act that has become intertwined with a web of difficult emotions. An important aspect of that fear is related to weight – to become “larger” also means to take up more space in this funny thing we call life. The life ED effectively separates us from through it’s torture.

During the debate a serious concern was brought up – setting a too low target weight. Several studies have found that bodies thrive when having an extra layer of fat. Most anorexics translate this into becoming fat which could not be further away from the truth. Recovery is not about getting fat, it is about once again live in a healthy body. And more often than not a healthy body requires a higher weight than many of us are willing to accept.
Why? Because our weight decides how protected we are. Calling it a day once you are just there, just above what is considered the minimum for a healthy weight, risk robbing your body of fundamental protection. Vital organs are much more exposed when we are close to underweight. It is harder for to fight of illness or to feel as physically strong as you do deserve. Weight restoration is also the key to reverse your bone loss , as well as improve your mental capacity. We all know how eating disorders make us feel depressed and give us a hard time concentrating, right? Even though eating doesn’t guarantee eternal happiness or that you’ll get a brain like Einstein, it does help you get back to life and once again activate the rational part of your brain. These benefits do not come knocking on your door immediately, but require of you to keep fighting untill you experience true health.

You know you are a cheese addict . . . Accompanied with a lovely glass of milk, this is the perfect supper for me.

As you see the therapists had a rather “technical” perspective upon what we win by fighting our way back to a healthy body, concentrating on the hard facts. These positive aspects are essential and has worked as a motivation for me, but in the appeal I held during the debate my focus was on what I find most important today – the symbolic significance of daring to gain after you are out of the danger zone. For me staying at my current weight, even though it is defined as normal, would not be okay. Why? Because it is not normal to my body. Because it means that I would find myself in a limbo with one foot remaining in the disorded universe – clinging to the need for being thin.
There is an extensive pressure on being slim in our society, making most of us believe that that is what we all should be. Thin is the healthiest and prettiest. No. To fully recover we can not base our health on the dominant perception of beauty, a concept that has changed throughout history. In my case that would have been to prioritize thinness over health, with anorexia stilling watching over me with it’s dark shadow. Carefully observing what I eat and the numbers on the scale. I encouraged the therapists to keep on supporting patients to get where their body felt happiest, no matter what resistance they had to confront. Liberation is realizing that beauty is health. My health. That comes in a larger size than what you see on the front of a magazine and that is okay. It means to improve my strength and health further even though the numbers on the scale is higher than they’ve been in five years. It is my body.  It is not fat. Not ugly. It is my companion through life. Remaining where I am now – or push myself to become the size my body prefers is a choice between anorexia and life. That is what it boils down to for all of us.
The fear of gaining weight is of course not just about our bodies, as we all know. It is about that complex web of emotions and thoughts. About leaving a disorder which has provided us with a sanctuary and enter life. In other words, restoring our weight is related to committing to life. That is why it is important for me to do so, no matter what. Only then can I be free. Not in the sense that a restored body equalize a healthy mind, but it’s nonetheless a fundamental step in the quest for mental liberation. My mind is not healthy if it doesn’t accept a higher weight. If I can not accept the amount of food I need to maintain. And my mind is not healthy if it can not handle challenges, emotions and thoughts without abusing my body. I want my body to be a story of hope – to symbolize the possibility of turning darkness to light, imprisonment to freedom.

Because it is possible. Because we can recover.

*

With this I wish you a peaceful Christmas. Be kind to yourself. My thoughts will be with those who carry pain in their souls. May they once again feel freedom and light.

Ruuun – it’s the scary gingerbread men who are out to destroy your life.

At this time of the year Christmas is the victim of the widespread calorie / weight – obsession. A holiday that is supposed to be about coming together, sharing love and gratitude for the life we’ve been given has now turned into a fat trap.
” How to not gain weight during Christmas. ” ” We’ll give you the cakes that allow you to stay skinny. ” ” Here are the secret calorie bombs. “

Calories. Weight. Fat. More calories.

I remember diving into these articles when anorexia had a strong hold on me. They provided me with information that confirmed my perceived superiority – look at the other people, consuming 100 – 200 – 300 calories . . . Within me a disgusting thrill swirled around. My mind is different these days, I do not get triggered by the calorie content of food, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get upset by how calories seem to occupy the mind of more and more people. Obsessing about calories is far from limited to those fighting an eating disorder. Since the first Christmas products entered our stores, I’ve heard things such as ; ” You shouldn’t buy those Christmas cookies – they are unhealthy. ” “Hmmm, these biscuits are not too bad calorie- wise, maybe we should buy some of them.”
Those comments belong to people far from being overweight. Young people. Women and men with a beautiful future ahead of them. All about to enter a holiday that used to contain other values than nutritional values. I don’t want to remember having eaten 300 calories, I want to remember having enjoyed a delicious slice of pie surrounded by wonderful people. And I want other people to do the same. You. The girl on the bus debating with her friend whether it is actually necessary to bake some treats.
Take a minute and reflect over this development. Does it taste good to you? A society that estimates everything by it’s potential danger for weight gain? It tastes rather unhealthy and sad to me.

A healthy life is a balanced life. One where we eat what we need – and what we crave in amounts that are right for us. A healthy life is not one where calories have changed from being something we need to survive ( which is the truth about calories ) to something that should be limited as far as possible. A healthy life is a free life, where our mind is directed towards making the most out of the precious time we have here on Earth. Obsessing about calories don’t belong here. It deprives you of life.

It is time to take our life – and Christmas back. Now. You will never convince me to believe that we’ll gain a significant amount of weight if we do not keep an exact track over our daily calorie consumption during the holiday. We should allow ourselves to enjoy a little extra of all that is delicious without feeling guilty.

*

Opinions? Anyone else feel like ” the calorie mafia ” has stolen some of the joy with Christmas? ( and life in general )

*

Yesterday I recieved awesome news. I am now moving away from the minimum “healthy BMI” – in other words, my body is close to happiness. My next post will be about the importance of daring to add a healthy layer of fat to your body and not settle for a low, but just within the range of what is considered as a healthy weight. And the next post after that one? Probably discrimination against sexual minorities, another topic that is close to my heart.

]]> http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/the-calorized-society/feed/ 8 solskinn88 gingerbread http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/surrendering-to-health/ http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/surrendering-to-health/#comments Fri, 09 Dec 2011 21:45:33 +0000 solskinn88 http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/?p=2977 Continue reading →]]> Hello Earth! I have not been eaten up by anthropology, but it was close. At the end there I felt I breathed anthropology. Symbols from all over the world swirled around and my dreams contained rituals and abuse of power ( what a combination, right? ).

I am thankful for having the opportunity to be a student at a great University, but to be honest – the previous month was hard and contained a couple of breakdowns. At least it showed me that ED still intensifies when my life contains stress. However, unlike previous years I didn’t feel like engaging in any mushy business, a.k.a. restricting. The thoughts which attracted me for too long, now cause disgust and fear in me. Instead of turning towards anorexia, I ran away from it.
The message it keeps trying to sell ” I got a universal solution to all problems : Restrict and die. “ is not one I buy into. Such a solution, which you are probably familiar with, is nothing but a way to worsen your life. Restrict during meal time, feel a couple of minutes relief and then crash down into despair?

My body and I are on our way to build up a pretty good relationship, and neither of us want a three- zone with anorexia. Appearantly my body is very sensitive to what it needs and it doesn’t take much before I can recognize that I’ve not eaten enough. My mood changes from bright to aggressive and impatient, it’s like the whole word threatens to destroy my very own order. In other words, too little food cause a mental trip into ED – land. This is why exam periods up untill now has been a time of relapse for me. I have coped with the pressure by restricting, hence making myself an easy target for anorexia and ending up in an evil circle. The more we restrict, the stronger anorexia becomes. We are empowered through food, while it draws it’s strength from hunger.

This year I was determined to not become a prisoner of ED, but handle stress without turning to disorded behaviour. Previously I would lie to my parents of what I had eaten and hide in my room. This year I stuck to my plan like glue*. No more surviving on air and anxiety in the evenings.
Dinner. A substantial supper. Supplement drink and snack. Exactly what my mind needed and my body deserved. Of course there were whisperes in the back of my mind, telling me to stop stuffing myself and find a leaf of salad to chew on. So I could do what? Go to bed with a stomach in hunger pain. A shivering body and depressed mind? No. I am not a rabbit, hence I need more than salad and carrots to keep me going. I need my health.

This semester has increased my confidence. It has showed me that it is possible to change the cognitive weakening anorexia causes. Before I started recovery I could barely read. My eyes noticed the words, but did not have enough energy to reflect upon their meaning. Remember what a teacher or book tried to teach me? Forget it. Remember how many calories a slice of ham contained? Nemo problemo. That is all a malnourished brain cares about – food. Despite the forces trying to put up a barrier between us and food, our mind is obsessed with food. No wonder, we tend to be obsessed with what we lack. Think about going one day without drinking. What would occupy your mind? Water. A day with only a carrot or two? You can’t get your mind off food.

With additional weight and consistent eating my mind no longer fears for it’s own existence. It doesn’t have to be on a constant look-out for food, enabling me to use my brain capacity to learn about the colonization of Hawai’i ( very strong and tragic history ), a village where men to supress women or of a society who believe everything is destined by supernatural beings. To feel embraced by a book is a wonderful thrill after five years of not being able or interested in travelling into the wonderful world of litterature. Anorexia supressed my appetite for knowledge, but it is safe to say that I’m back to being a curious creature.

It’s all these changes – my improved memory, a newfound love for life and myself, a way of living that doesn’t damage my health – all of this makes me afraid when ED comes knocking on my door, because I don’t want to loose myself again. I am precious to myself. Even though life can seem threatening and too big for us, the alternative is much worse. I fear restriction and obsessive excercise more than I fear life, which is why I surrended to health this stressful month. Food was my weapon against anorexia and it’s bullying. When I eat properly I think rational and passionately. That is the person I am. That is the one I intend to continue to be. And that my beautiful friends, is why I surrender to health.

*

What do you do to cope with stress and pressure?

My tips ;
- Never underestimate the effect of breathing. Sit or lie down, close your eyes and breathe. Deep and good breathes.
- Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. So what if you don’t get straight A’s? Give me one good reason why getting an A should be a matter of life and death. No? Take breaks from your studying and do something else. Watch TV. Play with your day. Something to give your mind new energy. Pushing yourself too hard don’t make you smarter, it makes you exhausted and an easy catch to ED.
- Another thing that gives you energy? I think you know the answer to this one – food. Fat, carbs, proteins – all there is good.
To cut it short – value your life and health more than grades.

*

I’m playing Santa Claus and give you Christmas presents – a highly interesting article. Enjoy and reflect.

The Lies We Buy: Defining Health at Women’s Expense

*

* It must be said that my body and I did go a bit wild and ate more than the plan. More as in a delicious blueberry muffin. Made by a handsome Italian. Tell me, is it something Italian men is not good at? Or wait. Drop that one. I just remembered Silvio Berlusconi and his lust for women and general obnoxious behaviour.

Mama Mia.

Okay. Definition of a cake moment is when you feel like pinching yourself in the arm to make sure what is happening is actually real. I had one of those tonight.
We had guests over for dinner and for once anorexia did not take a seat next to me. I ate lots of delicious food from the smorgasbord and two slices of real cake. Not the “healthy version” with no sugar and butter and all, but the one they made in the good ol’ days. Yup. And some chocolate.

Do I stress about calories? No. It was food. A cake is like a party for my body. Delicious taste and a pleasant source of energy and strength. Will I turn into an elephant now? Hahaha, only if you ask ED. Have I lost my precious control? No, quite the contrary. I have taken back the control, it is now Hedda who decides what to eat. And it is Hedda who eats with a smile because she knows she deserves all good.

If anyone doubts that recovery is possible think again. I am strong. You are strong.

Together we will win our freedom back. Trust me.
Hope is you.

***

Had any Cake Moments lately?

Go ahead – take a slice. It is my cake of freedom.

]]> http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/11/06/the-cake-moment/feed/ 10 solskinn88 OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/that-time-of-the-year/ http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/that-time-of-the-year/#comments Tue, 01 Nov 2011 21:34:46 +0000 solskinn88 http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/?p=2964 Continue reading →]]> Noooo, not Christmas. Not yet

But something that might not be very fun, but nonetheless necessary – one month of exams and assignements. This makes Hedda a busy and tired lady, which again leads to me taking a one month break from my blog. But I’ll be back, don’t you worry And I am still on my 100% eating, of course! My body still needs lots of food to gain back those last kilos.

In the meantime, enjoy two of my favourite songs at the moment :

We all understand why this song is close to my heart.

And this one simply makes me smile. A message of hope – one day beautiful friends we’ll be free. Every single one of us.

Take care – your life is a precious gift.

*

It all started when a former friend mentioned that she now was thinner than me. I am sure she did not mean to pull that trigger, but her words sure sparked of some disorded thoughts. The situation did not improve when Hanne accidently told me what she saw on the scale. Those little numbers that feels anything but small when analyzed by our minds. Numbers that in themself do not have any power, it is us ( with good help from society ) who give them so much control. We who interpret them as either good or bad, beautiful or ugly. The funny thing is that when looking in the mirror I see a beautiful body, but when it is defined by numbers or comparisons to others difficulties arise. Those aspects are explicit signs that I have changed, both physically and mentally, changes which pose a grave threat to EDs existence. For years I’ve been the thinnest in the room, and it takes time to get used to walk around with a close to normal – looking body. My hips are returning, so is my butt. Just to make it clear – ED has never been about being the thinnest for me, it has been an escape from a reality that caused me pain. The growing body symbolize a healing process that can seem intimidating, as it means a return to the world I left.

Since these experiences I’ve heard the ugly voice of ED on a daily basis – telling me to slow down with the cheese, restrict, loose weight. For what? For you, ED? Really? So I can once again feel just as dead on the inside as I look on the outside? Forget. It.
Weight is one of the aspects of recovery that is un-negotiable. What more, it is not up to our mind to decide – the right to define healthy belongs to our bodies. We can kick and scream as much as we like, without it changing this crucial law of recovery. As a concequence of this, and to make things clearer between ED and me I made a new rule. A simple, straight – forward rule :

I will gain as much as I need in order to be healthy.

If that means ending on a size that is larger than ” the average “- ok, then it is up to my mind to accept it. I can not have the life I’m working for without adding the necessary pounds. Recovery doesn’t work that way, which leads to one of the main challenges for a lot of beautiful fighters. The concept of freedom and happiness therapists and loved ones tempt us with sounds rather good, doesn’t it? The concept of weight gain on the other hand can feel positive to some extent, we can do a lil’ bit of hips and a lil’ bit of booty. But at some point the majority of us feel enough is enough, surely our bodies are fine now? No need for more, thank you. Hasta la vista weight gain diet – we’re satisfied. The problem is that this situation are most likely to happen before we have reached a weight that satisfies our bodies.

Maybe it is a natural response in a society that preaches the beauty of thinness. The attraction of thinness. When everyone else runs around like rabbits on speed to loose the weight magazines, TV – shows and commercials tells us to loose, how can we find a way to celebrate a development that means doing the exact opposite? Relaxing. Eating a considerable surplus of food every day. Rest some more. And gain. It is hard, especially with a mind like ours. Challenging, but not impossible. One of the mantras of recovery.

Through continous mental work we must realize that being healthy and alive is more important than being thin. Not all of us were born to be a size 8 or 10. That is okay. Very, very okay. In my opinion the dominant discourse in most parts of the Western world has a way too narrow definition of health. It is all about eating superfood and being slim. There is nothing wrong with being thin, don’t get me wrong, but what about us who were born differently? Who carry the hips – genes. Can’t we be beautiful and healthy? Of course we can! And we will. ED tried to take away all the food I love this week, none of them falls into the superfood – category , but it met a closed door. I am proud for having remained faithful  to my eating plan, without even the tiniest piece of restriction. I refuse to become a victim of forces that tries to tell me what beauty is. Defining a standard for a healthy life. Not buying it anymore. My body deserves the ass it was born to have. And how much healthy weighs and looks is an individual matter. I’ll keep on munching my way through the day untill my body says ” I am happy. Healthy. Strong. ” That is how I want to estimate the right weight for me.

Remember that beauty is not a one size only. It is not a size at all.

Beauty is your uniqueness.

***

Have any of you been through the  “enough is enough” – situation? How did you deal with it and pushed to continue your weight gain?

Well, I guess you could say so. At least the rain inside my mind. The constant pouring down of disorded thinking preventing me from truely realizing that my life had turned into a living hell.

I recently discovered some old photos of me and it hurt. It hurt so bad because I found myself scared. Of myself. Of the skeleton I saw on those pictures. It didn’t look like there was any Hedda behind those clothes, just bones. Pictures where I pretend to smile, though on the inside tears are flowing. Sad tears. Angry tears. Frightened tears.

When I see this fragile creature I want to reach out my hand and ask her to please put her trust in me and allow me to rescue her. How hard it must have been for those around me, desperately wanting to save me. To wake up their daughter, take her back from the grip of anorexia. Then gradually realize that when it comes to mental illnesses other people can only do so much. The desire to live must come from within, so must the belief that it is actually worth it.

In the beginning recovery does not feel worth it. Hell, it is a struggle much harder than simply pleasing ED. Getting up? Hell. Eating ? Hell. Talking to someone ? Hell.

Darkness.
Loneliness.

That is what recovery feels like for a long time after we’ve committed to it, and these feelings haunt us also after we’ve made significant progress. Weight gain does not equalize eternal happiness.

Where am I going with this? This is the truth of recovery. A couple of blogs I’ve stumbled upon lately, as well as information about eating disorders around the web almost romanticize recovery. Just eat and everything will be fine again. This is dangerous representation. What happens when we experience that our own recovery does not correspond with this rosy picture?
We fight through anxiety to eat and rest. But we feel like shit, not like the angels all of a sudden start to sing beautiful songs. Then we feel like a complete failure for not living up to this ” ideal recovery”. Our mind is neither here nor there and it is easy to doubt the whole concept of recovery.

One of my beloved friends carries these doubts right now. Questioning over and over again if she can handle recovery. Because when she faces the harsh reality of it – that it is bloody hard, her natural response is to conclude that it is impossible. It is not. I know that because I experience it everyday. There are no major changes happening over night, but there are small changes happening on a daily basis. They are all significant and to believe in recovery we need to be aware of the little steps we make and see them for what they are : proof that an anorexic mentality does not have to be permanent. It demands us to go through hell to reach this conclusion, but it is a hell worth going through. So if you are reading this – hold on.
Never loose faith in life.

With time your eyes will also be able to see clearly and you’ll gradually realize that even the worst of days in recovery is better than one day of starvation.

***

Since my last post I’ve made a genuine attempt to surround myself with other people and learn to feel relaxed among them. Some days it does feel like a challenge, but I can notice the old social butterfly somewhere within me. The girl who loved to laugh and have long conversations about everything from trash TV to the political situation. At times I feel inferior to the other students, who are closer to their degree than I am. People who have travelled the world, seen different things. . . while I have been a prisoner of anorexia. I know this is ridicolous thinking, my worth is equal to theirs. But, we all know how eating disorders grabs the first opportunity to put you down. It gets on my nerves to be honest. I want to be free. Now. Just flush these thoughts down the toilet. There has been times where I’ve had to stop myself from being beat up by negative thinking by simply saying : “What the f**k Hedda – are you going to let ED beat the crap out of you today? You are not allowed to do anything before you change your mentality. ” The mental fight we must go through to change is hard, but what is our option? Letting ED control us the entire day? I don’t want that.
My mind knows I am worthy and strong, and that we all take different paths here in life. Through recovery we gain important knowledge no school can teach us, it’s just easy to forget it once in a while!

Haha, I wish I was a mouse so I could get this close to my beloved cheese. I don’t know where my ass would have been if it wasn’t for cheese.

Body – wise I’m at peace. I love my curves, the feeling of something extra – it makes me feel protected and healthier. Sometimes I find it strange that anorexia doesn’t give me a harder time for this, but if necessary I am prepared to fight to hold on to this love. More weight is to be gained and it is impossible to predict how my mind will react to it.

***

Hope you are all doing good, my amazing friends. I truely miss you – even though the people at Uni is awesome, you guys give me something special. The feeling of being understood, seen and accepted for who I am. Thank you.
***

How are you guys?

Anyone else finding that recovery is often portrayed as an easy thing?

]]> http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/i-can-see-clearly-now/feed/ 7 solskinn88 høst hahamus http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/facing-a-lion/ http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/facing-a-lion/#comments Tue, 20 Sep 2011 06:41:52 +0000 solskinn88 http://solskinn88.wordpress.com/?p=2881 Continue reading →]]> Do you sometimes feel like confronting ED is like facing a lion? An aggressive one that is. I do, and I do it this morning. My mind feels overwhelmed and exhausted. Why?
Because from time to time things that usually pose no problem becomes an issue. That is the surprise part of ED – you think it is asleep, but no. All of a sudden it launches a huge attack on your mind and all you can do is to fight back.

Here is the deal – after dinner today my parents are going for a long walk which means that a ) They’ll be physically active and b ) They will not eat anything after dinner. No supper, no chocolate. Nothing. I know this is none of my business. They have their lives, I have mine. Not the same thing. My health. Their health.
Well, tell that to ED. Tell ED to shut the f**k up about me skipping the food I usually eat in the evening – the supper some hours after dinner, and the combination of a supplement drink and a snack bowl. I don’t want to skip. I don’t want to hear the negative bullshit about the weight I’ve gained and how it is not necessary for me to push myself with food.
I want to eat. Not just because it benefits my physical health, but because it would be a symbolic victory over ED. A rather huge victory as well.

So I write this post now, early in the morning to share my struggle with you. This way I can hold myself accountable and fight to do what is right. This is recovery. It is uncomfortable and painful. But it is positive, it is through challenges we move forwards.

You with me?

***

Update :

Allright you guys, we faced that lion and we scared it away! Thank you. Ahh, those words seem so small at times, they do not grasp the intense gratitude I feel for you all. I did it this evening and know that your words helped me through. Chatting with angel Marina and reading your comments strenghtened my spirit and enabled me to munch my way through bread with glorious cheese, glasses of milk, pieces of chocolate . . . Everything my body deserves. Deserves and needs. When I look in the mirror these days I see beautiful hips. Arms that are strong and healthy enough to hug the world. And I feel a mind that is passionate about life, refusing to be numbed by restriction.
Again thank you beautiful, wonderful and important people. So proud of you all.