An update, an appeal and an award.

Now, there you have a catchy title. Before I start with anything here- Happy New Year to everyone and congratulations for having made it through one of the most stressful period of the year for someone who fights an eating disorder. Maybe you stumbled, or maybe you stood tall – regardless of that be proud of yourself and look forward. Each day brings with it new opportunities to confront our fears and grow as human beings.

What has been going on in my life? Well, something rather interesting – a project on antisemitism, both in a historical context and in contemporary Europe. No research without taking a dip into the past, to help us understand the present situation better. This is probably the most exciting thing I’ve participated in for six years. Learning about different types of discrimination, constructions of twisted and dangerous world views and defining one specific group as an evil ” Other” is painful, but it also makes me feel alive again. This is what I’m passionate about and each day I follow my passions a clear message to ED is send – ” My life is better off without you. “
This project does take a lot of my time, so I am not quite sure how it will be with blogging in the nearby future. Blogging is therapy to me, and reading your blogs is thoughtprovoking and inspirational . Hopefully I’ll be having more time after this project is finished

Apart from that I am doing quite good recovery – wise, though there has been a couple of rough moments. We can’t hand out a ” What not to say… “- book to our brothers and sisters on this planet , but it could be an idea for people not to say things such as ” What, do you have to gain more weight? I think you look fine now!” to someone who is not yet completely healed. Just an advice. This comment definetely posed a threat to my mental state, but perhaps I should feel grateful in a way. To be challenged by other people’s words are an opportunity for me to prove to myself that I do actually prioritize my health, no matter what fight I must go through. Your awesome comments have all been very helpful to remind me of this, and to increase my motivation to do what it takes. Thank you – you mean life to me.

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Now, my appeal. Last year was an incredible year to me in many respects. For the first time in 6 years I followed a meal plan 100%. No restriction. No bingeing. It was hard, but worth it. Realizing that I was actually able to gain weight empowered me and made me believe that recovery is possible. It is amazing what an effect proper nutrition can have on the human brain – you could say that I ate my way to a more rational state of mind. Rational and happier. The power of food should not be underestimated, because even though recovery does not happen solely through eating , good nutrition is crucial to reverse some of the psychologial effects of being underweight.
Though, looking back also brings a certain pain within. There were lives lost. On 22. july Anders Behring Breivik killed so many innocent people, but eating disorders also claimed their victims. Three friends of mine were eaten up by this destructive illness. They tried to do it on their own, refusing to accept sufficient therapy. I can understand their resistance towards therapy very well, handing over control over our own life to someone else. But tell me – what control do we have left when an ED consumes our lives? Not much.
We can not change what happened to these three beautiful people, but we can change what happens to us. There are many blogs in this “community”, individuals who all find themselves in different situations regarding recovery. My appeal is primarily directed to those who struggle the most – who do not recieve enough therapy, who are not part of a support team and who do not eat enough to gain weight and with that life. Seek help. Don’t let the fear holding you back, because one day it might be too late. I see people go month after month without any signs of change, neither bodily nor mentally. There is a risk that such an existence leads to a belief that it is not possible to change, the anorexic state becomes normalized and that is dangerous. None of you have to live like this, nor do you need to suffer in silence.
I know some people argue they are too proud to ask for help, they want to recover on their own. What pride is it in slowly withering away? Of course there are those who do manage to fight their way out without therapy, but there are also many people who go day after day with an increased sense of hopelessness and frustration within.
To me, I don’t think it is so much pride that is holding us back from seeking help – it is fear. Fear of loosing the one thing that to us provides safety and protects us from the world. Therapy will not allow you to keep that source of safety, it will take it away from you. Bit by bit. Meal by meal. Forced or voluntary from your side. However, recovery doesn’t take without giving back- through the long and hard process we recieve a new attitude towards life and ourselves. Learning to use other sources to feel protected, learning that it is okay to be us, encouraging us to believe in ourselves. This is why recovery is worth it – you get a life again.
This is not an attack on anyone, please don’t interpret it as such. I am not saying any of you are lazy or stupid for not seeking help, because I know that is not what prevents you. It is a fear that could be lethal. So my appeal – and my hope – for 2012 is this : That those who deal with darkness on their own, dare to accept the hands that tries to reach out. Hold on to them and allow yourself to be supported back to life. You still have to take the steps yourself, and they’ll be challenging, but you will walk them supported by love from those around you. No more talking and not doing. We can’t talk our way to recovery. It has to be combined with eating.
We are not our eating disorders, but we will never discover who we are unless we truly heal. One life lost to an eating disorder is one too many, I do not want these evil forces to rob a beautiful person of her or his future.

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The two awesome people Eliza and Elizabeth  nominated me for a Versatile Blogger Award, so I’ll share some facts about me.

1 ) I have read the Bible. When I say this, people often ask ” Why? You are not even sure if you believe in Christianity?” Well, that shouldn’t be a precondition to stick my nose into a book that means so much to millions of people. I treat it as a way to understand people better, to get an insight into the values and doctrines they base their lives on. And for someone who studies anthropology it is highly interesting to see the similarities between the Old Testament and other myths of origin.

2 ) For four years I went with my dad to the local soccer matches. Not because I think soccer is fun, but because teenage Hedda found the players so smokin’ hot.

3 ) Most people don’t know that some of my favourite music is from the days “where they made real music”. Think 60 / 70, / 80. Van Morrison, Fleetwood Mac . . .

4 ) With that being said, I had the hugest crush on Aaron Carter. ( soccer players, Aaron Carter… what a sex drive at such an young age, haha! ). I was even convinced I saw him in my local area. Don’t ask me how I rationalized him being here in Norway, playing tennis and doing “normal” things without anyone else knowing.
Crazy little pary boy, how I loved him…

5 ) Philosophy is a subject that should be obligatory in schools if you ask me. We could all benefit from learning how people have tried to make sense of their existence here on Earth and the phenonomas they’ve observed around them, as well as developing a critical mind.

6 ) The movie I’ve watched most times is Happy Feet. It is a brilliant movie!

7 ) Hmm… what to write here… I believe the world could do with more equality. We live in a world where large groups are still discriminated and marginalized, which is neither natural nor necessary. Inequality is to a significant extent socially produced, hence it is possible to also produce equality. Not just in terms of material wealth, but in terms of what life chances people have. Access to education, proctection of human rights etc . . . We all deserve that!

Yup, that was a little bit about me. I don’t know who to nominate, nor do I tend to pass these awards forward ( booh, how boring of me! ).

But tell me what your favourite movie is Oh, and how this new year has treated you so far!

Okay, one more song – music makes life better!

Kick off your shoes and dance and sing ^^

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