The Weight of Life.

Thank you for the response on the previous post – your opinions are appreciated. What can I say? I am blessed to know such wise people.

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Before you start reading, head on to the closest mirror and take a good look at yourself.

Done? You now have the permission to read further. What did you see? Or perhaps it is better to ask : who looked and evaluated your body?
Was it from an perspective where every hint of fat is deemed as the greatest sin? Or one where you acknowledge your own uniqueness and realize the beauty in being you?
For the last couple of months my mind has consolidated a positive attitude towards my own body – it is no longer judged in terms of ugly, bad, fat or disgusting. I don’t feel like cutting it into pieces, nor sit down in a corner and cry. Countless tears have been shed due to the experience of being in my own skin. Trapped in my body. A dark and distorted way of relating to myself. I’ve seen fat where there has been only skin and bones. Today I see the fat, I feel it. It is on my arms, stomach, hips, legs . . . But I no longer feel like starving it off. Why? Because a part of me has fallen in love with the effect of what the fat is an expression of – a healthier and stronger body. A healthier and stronger life.

Last week I took part in a debate about weight in recovery. We all agreed upon the weakness of using BMI as our only measure, as it does not take into account our individual body types. To define a ” target weight ” for anorexia patients is a complicated issue where the therapists are dealing with someone who is filled with fear of the prospect of eating. An essential act that has become intertwined with a web of difficult emotions. An important aspect of that fear is related to weight – to become “larger” also means to take up more space in this funny thing we call life. The life ED effectively separates us from through it’s torture.

During the debate a serious concern was brought up – setting a too low target weight. Several studies have found that bodies thrive when having an extra layer of fat. Most anorexics translate this into becoming fat which could not be further away from the truth. Recovery is not about getting fat, it is about once again live in a healthy body. And more often than not a healthy body requires a higher weight than many of us are willing to accept.
Why? Because our weight decides how protected we are. Calling it a day once you are just there, just above what is considered the minimum for a healthy weight, risk robbing your body of fundamental protection. Vital organs are much more exposed when we are close to underweight. It is harder for to fight of illness or to feel as physically strong as you do deserve. Weight restoration is also the key to reverse your bone loss , as well as improve your mental capacity. We all know how eating disorders make us feel depressed and give us a hard time concentrating, right? Even though eating doesn’t guarantee eternal happiness or that you’ll get a brain like Einstein, it does help you get back to life and once again activate the rational part of your brain. These benefits do not come knocking on your door immediately, but require of you to keep fighting untill you experience true health.

You know you are a cheese addict . . . Accompanied with a lovely glass of milk, this is the perfect supper for me.

As you see the therapists had a rather “technical” perspective upon what we win by fighting our way back to a healthy body, concentrating on the hard facts. These positive aspects are essential and has worked as a motivation for me, but in the appeal I held during the debate my focus was on what I find most important today – the symbolic significance of daring to gain after you are out of the danger zone. For me staying at my current weight, even though it is defined as normal, would not be okay. Why? Because it is not normal to my body. Because it means that I would find myself in a limbo with one foot remaining in the disorded universe – clinging to the need for being thin.
There is an extensive pressure on being slim in our society, making most of us believe that that is what we all should be. Thin is the healthiest and prettiest. No. To fully recover we can not base our health on the dominant perception of beauty, a concept that has changed throughout history. In my case that would have been to prioritize thinness over health, with anorexia stilling watching over me with it’s dark shadow. Carefully observing what I eat and the numbers on the scale. I encouraged the therapists to keep on supporting patients to get where their body felt happiest, no matter what resistance they had to confront. Liberation is realizing that beauty is health. My health. That comes in a larger size than what you see on the front of a magazine and that is okay. It means to improve my strength and health further even though the numbers on the scale is higher than they’ve been in five years. It is my body.  It is not fat. Not ugly. It is my companion through life. Remaining where I am now – or push myself to become the size my body prefers is a choice between anorexia and life. That is what it boils down to for all of us.
The fear of gaining weight is of course not just about our bodies, as we all know. It is about that complex web of emotions and thoughts. About leaving a disorder which has provided us with a sanctuary and enter life. In other words, restoring our weight is related to committing to life. That is why it is important for me to do so, no matter what. Only then can I be free. Not in the sense that a restored body equalize a healthy mind, but it’s nonetheless a fundamental step in the quest for mental liberation. My mind is not healthy if it doesn’t accept a higher weight. If I can not accept the amount of food I need to maintain. And my mind is not healthy if it can not handle challenges, emotions and thoughts without abusing my body. I want my body to be a story of hope – to symbolize the possibility of turning darkness to light, imprisonment to freedom.

Because it is possible. Because we can recover.

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With this I wish you a peaceful Christmas. Be kind to yourself. My thoughts will be with those who carry pain in their souls. May they once again feel freedom and light.

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