Surrendering to Health.

Hello Earth! I have not been eaten up by anthropology, but it was close. At the end there I felt I breathed anthropology. Symbols from all over the world swirled around and my dreams contained rituals and abuse of power ( what a combination, right? ).

I am thankful for having the opportunity to be a student at a great University, but to be honest – the previous month was hard and contained a couple of breakdowns. At least it showed me that ED still intensifies when my life contains stress. However, unlike previous years I didn’t feel like engaging in any mushy business, a.k.a. restricting. The thoughts which attracted me for too long, now cause disgust and fear in me. Instead of turning towards anorexia, I ran away from it.
The message it keeps trying to sell ” I got a universal solution to all problems : Restrict and die. “ is not one I buy into. Such a solution, which you are probably familiar with, is nothing but a way to worsen your life. Restrict during meal time, feel a couple of minutes relief and then crash down into despair?

My body and I are on our way to build up a pretty good relationship, and neither of us want a three- zone with anorexia. Appearantly my body is very sensitive to what it needs and it doesn’t take much before I can recognize that I’ve not eaten enough. My mood changes from bright to aggressive and impatient, it’s like the whole word threatens to destroy my very own order. In other words, too little food cause a mental trip into ED – land. This is why exam periods up untill now has been a time of relapse for me. I have coped with the pressure by restricting, hence making myself an easy target for anorexia and ending up in an evil circle. The more we restrict, the stronger anorexia becomes. We are empowered through food, while it draws it’s strength from hunger.

This year I was determined to not become a prisoner of ED, but handle stress without turning to disorded behaviour. Previously I would lie to my parents of what I had eaten and hide in my room. This year I stuck to my plan like glue*. No more surviving on air and anxiety in the evenings.
Dinner. A substantial supper. Supplement drink and snack. Exactly what my mind needed and my body deserved. Of course there were whisperes in the back of my mind, telling me to stop stuffing myself and find a leaf of salad to chew on. So I could do what? Go to bed with a stomach in hunger pain. A shivering body and depressed mind? No. I am not a rabbit, hence I need more than salad and carrots to keep me going. I need my health.

This semester has increased my confidence. It has showed me that it is possible to change the cognitive weakening anorexia causes. Before I started recovery I could barely read. My eyes noticed the words, but did not have enough energy to reflect upon their meaning. Remember what a teacher or book tried to teach me? Forget it. Remember how many calories a slice of ham contained? Nemo problemo. That is all a malnourished brain cares about – food. Despite the forces trying to put up a barrier between us and food, our mind is obsessed with food. No wonder, we tend to be obsessed with what we lack. Think about going one day without drinking. What would occupy your mind? Water. A day with only a carrot or two? You can’t get your mind off food.

With additional weight and consistent eating my mind no longer fears for it’s own existence. It doesn’t have to be on a constant look-out for food, enabling me to use my brain capacity to learn about the colonization of Hawai’i ( very strong and tragic history ), a village where men to supress women or of a society who believe everything is destined by supernatural beings. To feel embraced by a book is a wonderful thrill after five years of not being able or interested in travelling into the wonderful world of litterature. Anorexia supressed my appetite for knowledge, but it is safe to say that I’m back to being a curious creature.

It’s all these changes – my improved memory, a newfound love for life and myself, a way of living that doesn’t damage my health – all of this makes me afraid when ED comes knocking on my door, because I don’t want to loose myself again. I am precious to myself. Even though life can seem threatening and too big for us, the alternative is much worse. I fear restriction and obsessive excercise more than I fear life, which is why I surrended to health this stressful month. Food was my weapon against anorexia and it’s bullying. When I eat properly I think rational and passionately. That is the person I am. That is the one I intend to continue to be. And that my beautiful friends, is why I surrender to health.

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What do you do to cope with stress and pressure?

My tips ;
- Never underestimate the effect of breathing. Sit or lie down, close your eyes and breathe. Deep and good breathes.
- Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. So what if you don’t get straight A’s? Give me one good reason why getting an A should be a matter of life and death. No? Take breaks from your studying and do something else. Watch TV. Play with your day. Something to give your mind new energy. Pushing yourself too hard don’t make you smarter, it makes you exhausted and an easy catch to ED.
- Another thing that gives you energy? I think you know the answer to this one – food. Fat, carbs, proteins – all there is good.
To cut it short – value your life and health more than grades.

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I’m playing Santa Claus and give you Christmas presents – a highly interesting article. Enjoy and reflect.

The Lies We Buy: Defining Health at Women’s Expense

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* It must be said that my body and I did go a bit wild and ate more than the plan. More as in a delicious blueberry muffin. Made by a handsome Italian. Tell me, is it something Italian men is not good at? Or wait. Drop that one. I just remembered Silvio Berlusconi and his lust for women and general obnoxious behaviour.

Mama Mia.

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