Proud.

Looking back, I realise what a long way I’ve come. It has taken years of hard work and pain, but I am moving closer to a life in freedom from anorexia. It fills me with joy. With hope. With pride.

Yesterday I made the decided to take a break from therapy. There are various reasons for this, but in general I felt as if the sessions only strengthened anorexia. I need to fill my spirit with life, not illness. So, here I am. On my own. Learning to take care of myself.

Learning to live.

To act in a way that strengthens me, I took the initiative to make an increase today. Fueling a body I am still learning to get to know and accept. Fueling a life I am learning to view as important.

Challenges will come, but right now I want to focus on the positive feelings dancing within me. On the progress.

I want to celebrate my journey.
I want to believe in myself.
I want to believe recovery is possible.

 

 

* * *

Tell me, what are you proud of? <3

Getting Through the Storm.

As I mentioned in my previous post, tension has filled every corner of the house for quite some time now. Such a situation obviously creates feelings of sadness and anxiety, as well as a general sense of being overwhelmed. These are all feelings I have made desperate attempts to avoid in the past. Starving myself. Running. Anything to numb the pain. Whenever we experience difficulties, ED is there. ” Got a problem? Let me help you.” I used to believe in this voice, but these days I know better. ED can’t fix my problems. It really can not. There is no healing in the behaviours it has to offer, only destruction.

When I am in pain I need kindness and respect, not punishment. Kindness from other people and from myself. Instead of denying my body food to cope with life, I can seek activities that fill me with positive energy. Painting, meditating, gentle walks in this beautiful, magnificent Nature. I can talk about my feelings with people who care about me in a way ED never has, and never will. Instead of hiding from my feelings, I can feel them. Processing whatever goes on around us and within us in a healthy way opens up the opportunity for healing and for gradually let go of what hurts. Turning to ED keeps you trapped in darkness. By opening up to your feelings and working through challenges you become both stronger and wiser. If you struggle as you read this, know that you can get through the storm without doing damage to your beautiful body and mind. Without starving. Or bingeing. You have the power and the right to make healthy choices. Choices based upon love and respect for yourself. It takes practice and time, but it is possible. You can learn coping mechanisms to deal with different types of situations. Perhaps most importantly, you can learn to believe you are worthy of being treated with kindness.

If ED has controlled your decisions for a long time, do not beat yourself up. Never punish yourself for struggling. Take a deep breath and keep trying. Every moment is an opportunity. An opportunity to change. To stop hurting yourself. To say no to ED. You are not hopeless for struggling. There is so much strength and courage within you. Your challenge is to believe this. To believe in yourself.

Hold on. Hold on to your life. To recovery. Things can get better. Where there is life, there is hope. Something I have experienced time after time. This week started rough, but yesterday and today have been wonderful. My strongest and healthiest in eight years. There is so much beauty in my life. The birds who sing. The Nature “returning” to life. The strength in my body as I continue to nourish it. The love in my heart. The progress. Indeed, there is so much to be grateful for. Even my struggles, as they challenge me to choose life. And life I choose.

Back to Blogging. Again.

After months of doing research it finally feels like I got my thesis more under control. Such a great, but exhausting experience. I am learning to let go of the need to be perfect and instead focus on letting my passion for the world around me shine through my work.

Freed from the pressure to be the “perfect student”, school work is no longer the trigger it used to be. I do not feel a need to restrict to cope with school. Progress. Since my last post there have been several positive steps. Steps that bring me closer to life. Feeling so wrong, yet being so right. I eat more. I rest more. I feel more. In other words, I live more. I am doing things I used to view as impossible. That gives me hope.

When it comes to recovery I continue to choose life and freedom. Without going into details, things at home are tense. Some of what is happening trigger anorexia, but an urge does not have to lead to disorded behaviour. There have been no restriction. No letting anorexia determine my decisions. Due to the conflicts my therapist has actually suggested going IP for a while. Not so much because I need help to change my behaviour, but because it would be good to work on traumas in a more peaceful and supportive environment. I will keep you updated

One of the greatest challenges these days is the expectations people meet me with. I feel as if it is presumed that my positive attitude and healthy behaviour means that I no longer feel any pain or sadness. This is not the case at all. I am not only my sunshine and positivity. I am also darkness and fears. I am not only my victories, but also my internal battles. I need to feel free to be open about this. To be myself. To be both smiles and tears.

As we know all too well, our behaviour does not necessarily correspond with how we feel within. Most of the time I do feel proud and empowered when I act in a way that strengthens my recovery process. But, there are also days where choosing recovery makes me want to break down in tears. Where increasing my meal plan seems like too great a challenge and where my head is one giant battleground. It triggers me when people take my healthy behaviour for granted. When I feel as if I am not taken seriously “just” because I do not engage in disorded and destructive behaviour.

Up untill now my reaction has been to fight in silence. No more. I give myself permission to be me in all my different colours. To be open about my fears and struggles. There is freedom in letting ourselves be where we are in recovery, and in life, without feeling shame or passing judgements. My struggles tell a story of a person who is open to growth. Who is willing to go through the pain of change. I am proud of that. We’re worthy of respect and support in every phase of the healing process. Our voices matter. Our experiences matter. We matter.

Hold on, beautiful ones. Recovery is worth it. You are worth it. The healing process nourishes my inner light. Gives life to my passions, dreams and hopes. Though it is hard, it is also so incredibly beautiful. A process of growth. Of hope. Of life.

The Future.

Looks like finishing my bachelor degree and volunteering required a bit more time than I first anticipated. It feels like I am neglecting this blog, which is sad. You’re all so important to me and I miss being a more active part of our wonderful and supportive blog community. I will try to write a “proper” post in the nearby future, but I wanted to share a paper that was written earlier in recovery. The therapist told me to imagine myself in the future and to consider my life retrospectively, then write a letter to my present self. In the first letter I consider how my life has improved without the eating disorder, in the latter I describe a life where anorexia still has me in a tight grip. Reading through this only strengthens my commitment to recovery, and my hope is that it can help you to choose recovery. It is painful, but the pain of breaking free can not be compared to the pain of staying in the dark, anorexic prison. These days I fear anorexia more than I fear change.

* * *

Dear beautiful and strong Hedda,

it’s wonderful how much that can happen in five years. Changes you didn’t even dare to dream of. I know the anorexia feels like a too hard opponent with the way it threatens to eat you up from within. Taking one bite after another of your precious body. It is easy to loose hope when being filled with doubt and pain. The truth however, is that you are stronger than you believe. You have the power to say no to the anorexia and fight to create a future that can be so much more and so much better than the life you currently experience. A life with anorexia is no life. It is darkness and despair.

Now, this will not be easy. You’re in for a long fight. I’ve had to work hard to get where I am now, but there is no regret in my heart. I do not regret letting go of something that controlled me and threatened to destroy both me and my family. Every battle, every piece of food has helped me. It is true as they say, without struggle there is no progress. Recovery does not just happen, it requires work and time. It requires of you to face your greatest fears, dig deep within you and connect with your genuine self. The self that is filled with love, hope and dreams. ” Hah, there is no such thing within me”, you might think. Surely all there is within me is anorexia. My identity and destiny. My everything. No. That is a dangerous illusion. You are still within that precious body of yours. The voice of anorexia is strong, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have your own healthy voice. The voice of your heart. Please believe me when I say recovery will help nourish your healthy self, enable you to see the truth about anorexia. It is not a friend or necessary “tool” to cope with life, it is a dangerous enemy and illness. You can learn a new and healthier way to be in the world.

You might sit there and wonder exactly what my life is like these days. Well, I think you will like it. Those short moments you now experience of hope and dreams, often involving a desire to contribute positively to society, has now become a reality. My days are spent helping immigrants feel safe and better prepared to gradually build a new life in Norway. Making sure they acquire the required knowledge and skills to participate in society and give them a sense of being valued. Just as you long to feel. Valued. Respected. Safe. The battle to break free has enabled me to help other experience those feelings that are crucial for our self- image. Helping yourself is the key to helping people you care so deeply about.

While I love my job, the future is not all about work. Freedom from anorexia also involves freedom from perfectionism. These days I allow myself time off without being overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety. What more, time off is not destroyed by counting calories and pushing my body beyond its limits. Instead I engage in activities that are positive both mentally and physically. The bond I once shared with anorexia is now replaced with relationships with true friends. Connections based upon compassion and respect. Obsessive exercise belongs to the past as I’ve come to realize that exercise should never be motivated by fear and guilt. You can not run away from what troubles you. To strengthen my body and nourish my spirit I usually turn to yoga or long walks in the nature. That is what health is. Learning to listen to the voice within and trust it. When my body tells me to rest, I know it is safe for me to honour this need. Of course, there are days where I can notice old thoughts and urges sneaking in. Thougts revolving what and how much I can eat and urges to engage in disorded and destructive behaviour. Recovery has taught me that these thoughts do not and should not dictate my actions. I am stronger than them. My desire to live is stronger.

I know you’re scared, Hedda. Scared of failing. Scared of being you. To break free and discover that society does not accept nor need someone like you. That you’ll never get a job or any friends. But, trust me. All will be well. Step by step, all will be well. You have to dare. Believe in yourself. Believe in the voice telling you you want change and freedom.

With love and hope,

Hedda.

* * *

Hedda,

after close to five years anorexia continues to control you and most aspects of your life. Dictating your every move. It is painful and I know this is something you fear. That you’ll never be free. Never get to experience what you dream of- a moment of inner peace. A minute, or just a second without that feeling. The feeling that there is something eating you up from within, something that is not you, but nonetheless resides in you. Oh, the ambivalence! Fear of recovery and fear of staying the same.

You might wonder why anorexia still dominates my life. Just as hard a question as how it first developed. Perhaps because you never dared to believe in yourself and your therapist. Did not trust her advices when it came to food and rest, but instead continued to hold on tight to familiar thoughts and behaviour. Restricting. Working out. Hating yourself. The three golden rules of anorexia. When we do not try to do what the therapist tells us is necessary, we will not experience what they say is possible. A life free from anorexia. Instead we remain stuck in the dark hell. A hell where you, dearest Hedda, depends on the support from other people to nourish yourself and have no other option but to live at home with your parents. Not only due to economical reasons, but because you’re not able to or willing to take care of yourself. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it fills you with pain and longing. Longing for something more. For a life in freedom.  I still cry myself to sleep and fight to ignore the feeling within that there’s something wrong. Something terribly wrong. You’re already sick of being sick and in five years the feelings of hopelessness and grief over everything you loose when being controlled by anorexia will only have intensified. I feel completely stuck in the disorded prison. I see that there is a world out there, but I do not find the way in to it. Do not feel able to take part in it.

To be honest, you will not have the time to take part in the world either. Your days are packed. Not with positive activities, but with counting calories. Dealing with anxiety each time you sit down to eat. Arguing with your family. And always longing. Life with anorexia is not good and your heart is well aware of that. It dreams of love, hope and change. Of having friends, a job and a life that feels meaningful. As you already know, a life controlled by anorexia leaves little time for anything else but disorded behaviour. It involves food restriction, but also restriction on life itself. Rules and constant uneasieness. How sad and exhausting.

I beg you, Hedda. Fight to avoid for this to become reality. Fight for freedom. Recovery is painful, but so is remaining a slave of anorexia.

- Hedda

* * *

You do not have to write it down anywhere, but take some time to play with the thoughts about how life can be.  Allow yourself to see recovery as possible. Allow yourself to believe in your own strength and worth. The truth is that you are stronger than the eating disorder. You can fight these demons. Step by brave step.

Commitment to Fight.

” Each day brings with it new opportunities to confront our fears and grow as human beings. To make changes. Think about it. See 2013 as a period of time composed of a beautiful universe of chances. Dare to embrace them. Dare to live.

The year we are about to leave behind was a year of hope and fear, challenges and progress. The struggles made me both stronger and wiser. The process helps me to gradually heal. Step by painful step.
I meet the new year with no grand resolutions, but with a commitment to continue to fight for my freedom.”

This is what I wrote on Facebook to mark both the year we left and the year we were about to welcome. Never one to make resolutions, my mind is instead focused on the here and now. Taking one moment at the time. Waking up each day with a determination to reaffirm my commitment to recovery. Fours years of trying to break free from anorexia has taught me that such a commitment does not come easily – we can’t sit around and wait for recovery to happen, it requires action.

The last couple of weeks have been emotionally rough due to acting in opposition to anorexia. It’s just to face it. Anorexia will never approve of what I eat. Never approve of me resting. In other words, anorexia will never allow me to live. Which is why I, and so many other beautiful spirits, must take action and fight. Not alone, we deserve to be supported throughout this long and hard journey. While we walk together, we must nonetheless take the steps ourselves. No one else can take them for us.
So, walking I do. Increasing my food intake without increasing my activity levels. Result? Pride in my heart. Frequent and intense debates in my mind. We all know them. The war between our healthy self and the disorded monster(s). Waves of doubt, anxiety and frustration, but also a sense of pride and hope once we let go and break free from the rules ED has set for us. Rules that lead us to not only restrict on food, but also on life itself.

All of this, all of this recovery, is hard. It is meant to be hard. Yet, at the same time it is also wonderful. A blessing in disguise. I explore. Learn. Grow. Live. What could be greater? Sure, I can find myself wishing the disorded thoughts were a distant memory or that my mind knew nothing about them. Such thinking does not help me break free, unless I use them to nourish and strengthen my determination to move forward. Move away from what threatened to destroy me. These days I am the one destroying the illness. How liberating and empowering!
My brother asked me if it made me loose hope to experience how intense urges and thoughts can become, if it caused something within me to give up. Quite the contrary, I replied. While I acknowledge that the road ahead of me is long and filled with challenges, I am also able to find hope in the recent battles. Where my mind used to be completely dominated by anorexia, leaving me close to unable to separate myself from the illness, I am now able to not only identify disorded thoughts, but also fight to avoid acting on them. Eating despite battling feelings of loneliness. Eating despite tension at home. Eating not necessarily because I always want food, but because I want recovery and freedom.

Daring to embrace the opportunities to change, I nourish myself and my future. Beginning each morning with reflecting upon what I can do for my recovery brings me closer to and increases my awareness of this process that is so painful and incredible at the same time. Knowing in my heart that recovery is my choice, I continue the fight for freedom.

* * *

If you are not already doing it, I would encourage you to take a few minutes each morning to journal about what you can do for recovery that day. Remember that every moment is an opportunity to nourish your beautiful self.

Accept Yourself.

My heart goes out to Newtown during this terrible tragedy.

No words, just tears.

* * *

Out of all the beautiful people at Red Cross, I’ve become closest to an elderly man from North- Africa. What he has shared of wisdom and life experiences have made a deep impact on me. During one of our chats last week he started talking about something he just could not understand, something that both intrigued him and made his heart ache. What it was? Our tendency to try to achieve the impossible – perfection. We are not made to be perfect, he said. A fact many seem to refuse to acknowledge. The pressure to be a certain way destroys our bodies and minds, it’s like poison. We loose sight of our natural beauty when all we focus on is to be more. Do more.

After too many years of striving for perfection, I obviously nodded my head in agreement. Desperate attempts at achieving something I didn’t even know exactly what was. Perfection is an abstract concept, and all I’ve known is that it has never been where I have been. Not been what I have been. Such a way of thinking and being in the world comes with the risk of loosing a sense of our genuine self. There is no room for our uniqueness in the competition to be thinner, prettier, brighter, richer . . . As our conversation went on, he placed his hand over my heart. This, he said, this is where we should direct our attention. Our time should be spend working on and with our hearts, making sure they’re filled with passion. A passion that is not about perfection, but about love and vitality. Directing our attention towards our hearts means having to reflect upon our values and opening up to the spirit within. Connect with your interests, hopes and dreams. Attain an awareness of how you want to touch the Earth and the people you meet along your journey through life.

What if you gave yourself a gift this Christmas? Not one you can buy in a store, but one that can only come from within yourself. The gift of self acceptance. End the war on your body and mind. Turning away from perfectionism comes with the challenge of learning to believe in the truth – that you’re enough. As my friend told me, “Hedda, you are in no way perfect. But you are beautiful. ” We were born to be enough. Born to share our unique hearts with the world.  Live as you. With all your glorious complexity. Be you.

* * *

With Christmas just around the corner, many of us feel a pressure to “perform”. There are several expectations associated with this holiday, ideas about how it should be celebrated. A family gathered around the table, sharing food and stories. . . For those who battle an eating disorder special occasions, such as Christmas, are often challenging. The food. Change of routines. It can all become overwhelming and we feel disappointed in ourselves when we instead of enjoying the food and company, are forced to fight  intense urges.
Self- acceptance does not mean to accept ED in your life, because ED is not you. It does not belong in your genuine self. What self- acceptance means is to not beat yourself up over struggling or view yourself as of lesser worth because you are sick and need support. You did not ask for this illness, it was not a concious choice. What you have chosen is recovery.  A brave and difficult choice. One that involves fighting through hard and painful days, perhaps some of them will come this holiday. But remember: if you hold on, if you continue to fight for your freedom, I promise you that better days will come. You can get through this. Do not feel obliged to always eat exactly what those you’re with eat – what matters  is to make sure that you nourish yourself with the amount needed to strenghten your physical and mental health. Recovery can not be reduced to weight restoration alone, it is about healing something that is suffering within our soul. Special occasions can trigger this pain, making the prospect of nourishing yourself a greater challenge than usual.  If you have a therapist or work with a nutrionist, spend the time with him or her to process your thoughts regarding the food and activities Christmas involves. Find the balance between following your meal plan and breaking boundaries by trying to eat what is served. The balance between participating in social gatherings and taking time to rest and work on your soul. View each bite as a victory. As a good ol’ kick in ED’s behind. Reach out when dark thoughts attack you, we’re here for each other. Contrary to what our mind at times often tells us, we are in fact worthy of love and support. Every single day.

* * *

Know that you are not alone. If you are in need of encouragement or someone to talk to, reach out.

hedda.evensen@gmail.com

You could also visit Libero Network or their facebook pages.

We all deserve and need to be a part of a supportive community as we fight to heal.

Returning to blogging.

. . .once you blog, you can’t stop.

I write this with beautiful butterflies in my tummy, eager to get back to regular blogging. So much has happened since I last shared my thoughts with you. So much beauty and pain. Laughter and tears. In other words-  life has happened. I have climbed, stumbled and climbed back up again.

Even though I did not manage to be as social as I intially intended to, this semester has been a great learning process. It has challenged the connection my mind used to make between being at University and engaging in anorexic behaviour. Uni was anorexia’s “playground”, a place where no one saw what I ate or how much I exercised. Being able to nourish myself properly and not even once visit the gym to abuse my body represent two significant victories. Not only the actions themselves, but also the mentality behind. A mind determined to choose health. To nourish myself and my future, not anorexia. Indeed, this semester has reinforced my belief in recovery. Change does happen, but it requires hard work and the courage to confront the darkness within.
Apart from being at University and trying to make sense of a rather comprehensive, but highly interesting curriculum, I’ve had a wonderful time volunteering for the Red Cross. The time spend with the people there have changed me as a person and increased my knowledge of human life. Having the opportunity to share perspectives on different issues, help them improve their language skills and make them feel more confident in a new country is a true gift. In return they teach me the importance of meeting people with respect and curiosity. We can all learn from each other, if only we’re willing to open our minds.

When it comes to recovery, I’m still working hard to destroy what threatened to destroy me. The time it takes is sometimes challenging to accept, but I am learning to take it day by day. Each day brings with it opportunities to take steps in the right direction. Opportunities I’m grateful for. No, recovery does not necessarily feel good. But yes, it does good. We create our future – our freedom- when we dare to confront the darkness within. When we feel the pain and work through it- not starve it away. It is scary, but we will not regret our decision to fight for recovery.

To be honest with you, these last couple of weeks have been harder than usual. During an appointment with my doctor, she told me she could feel a lump in my breast/chest. She thought it was fat tissue, but send me to mammography just in case. These news triggered a lot of emotions and fear, all I wanted to do was curl up and disappear. That, and obsessively touch myself (poor body!) in the relevant area in an desperate attempt to “control” whatever was underneath my skin. Some would most likely see that as an irrational overreaction, but I have a health phobia with cancer being one of my greatest fears. Thankfully my dad agreed to send me to a private clinic instead of waiting for an appointment at the public hospital. At the clinic mammography, ultrasound and biopsy were taken. None of the tests showed anything, but the whole situation has been difficult. Together with the exams this “led” me to restrict on two occassions. Nourishing a body that scared me so, seemed like too much to handle. However, what the restriction reminded me of was exactly what anorexia fears the most- the truth. No matter the fear that rages within or how overwhelming life feels, anorexia is not the solution. It does not heal your pain, it numbs it. Does not improve your life, but destroys it.
Instead of beating myself up over what happened, I made a concious decision to treat myself with kindness and learn from it. Take with me the wisdom and use it as a weapon against anorexia. I am proud to say that I am more than back on track. More food has been added and my motivation to recover is higher than ever. Be afraid, anorexia. Be very afraid. I am stronger than you.

Fill your hearts with hope, my friends. We can do this.

* * *

If there is anything in specific you would like me to address – let me know in a comment or send me a mail . Same goes if you are in need of support, do not hesitate to reach out.

Changing . . .

. . . from blogging to tumbling. So, this is my new crib (very un-me term ) : http://tocreatebeautythroughpain.tumblr.com/

After debating with myself, I’ve decided to take a break from my blog. Life as a student will most likely be busier than ever, leaving little time to write long and thorough posts. Tumbling represent another way of expressing myself – it will be shorter posts about victories and challenges and more pictures. Hopefully it will turn into a source of inspiration and hope.

Instead of making this blog private (as I intially planned to do ), I’ll keep it open. That way people who have found my posts helpful in their battle against ED can read through old posts, and see if they can use my words to stand up against the demons within and break free.

* * *

Taking a break from blogging does not mean taking a break from you. You are all very important and dear to me, and I want to be there for you as you’ve been there for me. If there is anything you need to share, please reach. You should not have to suffer alone. Feel free to use tumblr to ask me questions or give me feedback (always appreciated!) or contact me on twitter or mail :

- twitter : @solskinn88
- mail : hedda.evensen@gmail.com

 

The Key.

“Step confidently forward in the precisely the direction that is the most challenging to you. Because in that same direction, you’ll also find what is most rewarding to you.”
- Ralph Marston

* * *

Saw my therapist for the last time today. It was weird. Saying goodbye to someone you’ve shared your darkest secrets with. Someone who knows about your obsessions and fears. Your hopes and dreams.
To be honest, I feel naked. For someone who has up untill a year ago not been able to look someone in the eye, opening up about my past takes time and courage. But I did it – an acchievement in itself. As I wrote in the last post, our time together was a valuable learning experience. She pushed buttons no one has been allowed to even come near, and because of that I am a stronger person today than I was when we first met.

Since finding out about her return to the US I’ve tried to find other therapists without success. Our family can no longer afford paying for a therapist working in the private sector, and the ones in public sector have long waiting lists. 6 to 8 months. In other words, I need to stand on my own two feet for quite some time. I would be lying if I said ED has not been trying to take advantage of this, constantly informing me what a golden opportunity this is to skip the plan and return to hell. Without a therapist there will be no concequences. Or so ED believes. Sure, there will be no therapist weighing me. Or pushing me to eat. But no concequences? What a big and ugly lie that is. Returning to ED means risking my life. A life I have come to appreciate. There is no such thing as an innocent restriction. Nourishing yourself is at the end of the day a question of life and death. There is no life without food.

Does this mean that I fully accept the increased meal plan she gave me today? One that appearantly is intended for “tall males , high activity level”. Not at all. I am a woman, meant to rest for at least 6 hours per day and otherwise don’t do anything more intensive than going for a walk with my furball. I have no other choice but to accept this if I want to save my life. Which I do. What I’m slowly realizing is that I hold the key to recovery. Only I can choose life. What is needed to break free is all within me – in the heart beating for a more just world and in the soul eager to discover the world.

I believe we all know what to do in our hearts. The problem is that ED has created a barrier between our heart and our mind, convincing us to not trust what our hearts tries to encourage us to do. Even though I am far from free, three years of mental work have strenghtened the healthy parts of my brain. It has become easier to detect the disorded lies and to avoid acting on urges. Having an urge does not mean you have to act on. Urges can be extremely intense, but they will eventually pass. Each time you hold on to health and oppose the destructive voices within, you nourish yourself. Tears will stream, but we can survive tears and the pain of doing what feels wrong. What we can not survive is a future with the eating disorder. In reality that means no future.

The energy previously invested into maintaining disorded behaviour will now be invested into fighting for my health and freedom. My past does not define me, nor is it something to fear. I should not destroy my body and mind because other people abused me. So what if I have stumbled from time to time. Does that mean I’m a failure? No. I am not a failure nor a victim. What I am is a survivor with the key to my own liberation. I am stronger than the demons. Brave enough to face the challenges required to break free from the rules and destructive behaviour. And wise enough to not fall for the lies ED throws my way.

I choose to believe in myself.

Twists and Turns.

And then she was back from the mountains.

Sorry about the poor quality,  it was taking through a car window. Anyways, surrounded by such beautiful nature I felt incredibly alive. Despite it being a struggle from time to time to stay on track due to my cousins comments and behaviour towards food, I was filled with a sense of peace. For once, I felt like I actually belong on this Earth. This feeling helped me disobey the destructive voices and choose life both when it came to nutrition and with resting.

I left wanting more. More nature. More life. Improved physical health so I can take longer walks without doing damage to my healing process. Most of all, I left more determined than ever to win this battle.

* * *

Thinking about my future, this determination is much needed. Several changes are to come, and my mind is not yet sure what to do with it all. We tend to find safety in routines, order – in the knowns that in reality are mere illusions. There is nothing known about our future – all we can be certain of  is that we’re alive right now. Desperately trying to hold on to thoughts, feelings, things or situations can prevent growth. We risk loosing out on something wonderful if we try to avoid changes at all cost.

My last therapy session involved an unexpected twist : she is closing down her treatment center in Norway and returns to the US. Upon hearing it something within me trembled. Trust does not come easily to me, and I had just started to open up to her. She made me feel heard and understood, and perhaps most importantly recognized my pain and struggles. For a couple of days I felt lost.  Our sessions had become a positive part of my recovery process, and I now have to search for a new therapist. My mind became obsessed with uncertainties – will my meal plan be changed? Will the new therapist have a different approach to recovery? Finally I realized that this kind of thinking leads me nowhere. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to be grateful for the ways she has contributed to my recovery journey. Our time together made me stronger and wiser, providing me with insight not just into how ED operates but also into my own soul and who I am. She opened up the pain within me, allowing me a safe space to share and reflect upon the darker parts of my mind and heart. Journeys through my past gave me a sense of liberation, I am now able to see that there is nothing to be ashamed of. All of this will help me as I continue to fight for freedom, and I am determined to meet a new therapist with an open and positive attitude.  People come and go, but what they can teach us remain stored in our hearts.

Apart from changes related to therapy, University is once again knocking on my door. With that comes new obligations, responsibilities and challenges. This will most likely be my toughest semester yet with preparations for my bachelor thesis and several extensive courses. I am both nervous and eager. What I’ve learned these past years is that grades are not all that matters, our life should not be based on academic knowledge alone. Meeting new people, challenging yourself to embrace the opportunities that comes your way and taking care of your own health are also important components of human life. The new semester is met with hopes and dreams, but also an awareness of how quick perfectionism can strenghten itself and by doing so  nourish the disorded voices. I want this year to be a healthy and positive learning process. Of course I’ll stumble from time to time, that is okay. But I am strong enough to confront my fears of being hurt by other, my fear of not being smart enough and most of all I am ready to confront my fear of fully embracing life. I got what it takes to live. We all do. The question is whether we allow ourself to life.  The transition from days spend at home to Uni life will require mental battles, but I am strong enough to get through them. I am also strong enough to accept how our lives are marked by shifts, twists and turns. Asking ED to “comfort” me and give me a sense of control is not an option. Dealing with uncertainties and changes through healthy coping mechanisms is.

Change is a fundamental and inevitable aspect of human life. It is not necessarily something to dread. Changes can be viewed as opportunities to meet new people, explore new places and gain wisdom. They represent chances to discover new dimensions of the world and our own existence, and by that help us grow as human beings.

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What do you associate with the word “change”?