Come Pain, Come Gain.

So much for my decicion to become a more active blogger, eh? Well, life got in the way. Right after the final exam I took part in a project focusing on human rights, and LGBT rights in particular. Even though significant progress has taken place in many countries, we’re far from living in an equal world. It is a mystery for me, the negative reactions towards sexual minorities. Love is love. Think of the humans we could have helped if we did not spend time and energy to fear people who are not exactly as ourselves.

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As the last post made clear meeting the new therapist gave me a real boost. There is not even the slightest sense of doubt or regret, reaching out to her was correct. Of course anorexia despise me for doing this, but I despise it back so it’s all good.
This year have involved significant progress, however there was a voice within me telling me I could do more. Be more active in my fight against ED. We can not sit on our butt waiting for recovery to happen – we must dare to take action.
I was starting to feel too comfortable, too attached to routines and eating patterns. Not necessarily meaning that my eating has been unhealthy or restrictive, but when anxiety arise by the thought of change I know very well that change is exactly what my recovery needs. There are still battles to fight. The last time I worked with against a therapist anorexia had such a tight grip on me that life seemed like the worst option. Why bother with recovery, when ED provided me with everything I needed?

Since then – and after having cursed my way through meal after meal – I’ve actually had a taste of how life can be. It is not at all as bad as ED tries to convince you of. Of course, life with an ED is hell – but we all have the strength required to one day experience life without the mental tormentor.  The glimpses of life and the world that is eagerly waiting for me made me even more convinced that anorexia would not be my destiny. I want and believe in full recovery.
Even though we’ve only met twice, the therapist has strenghtened the health within me. More so, she has made me feel exposed, vulnerable and uncomfortable. Exactly what my journey needed. Unlike previous therapists this one truly challenge me. Why? Because she too knows that it is only by fighting through challenges we move forward. Only by testing our strength do we start trusting it.

Disorded behaviour becomes so natural to us that even after we’ve made significant progress it is still difficult to detect some of the more subtle thoughts and actions that represent ED. We need for someone else to make us aware of them. Force us out of our comfortable nest and discover the fears that still linger within.
Recovery takes place in these combat zones. Where the disorded control and fear comes face to face with the desire to live. In two short weeks I’ve felt more uncomfortable and threatened than I have the entire year. These emotions are positive – when I feel this way I know I have the opportunity to move in the right direction.
On May 31th a new team player is entering my support group – a dietician spesialized in eating disorders. The one I currently work with is great, but she does not have the required insight into the mentality behind restriction. I want someone who understand me better and also know which buttons that needs to be pushed to piss off anorexia and help me move forward. Does the thought of a new meal plan scare me? Of course. Will it be worth it? Yes. With time she’ll help me feel more relaxed and confident around different types of food. A necessary step to build a life where flexibility and pleasure is what best describes my relationship with food.

This is probably how most of us feel from time to time when confronting ED

I would encourage all of you to reflect upon your own journey, try to think of situations that makes your head spin just by the thought of it. Eating something with an unknown calorie content? Drinking a glass of milk with your breakfast? Or perhaps wearing a specific type of clothing?
To your mind they represent a threat, but in reality they are situations which can move you closer to freedom. Dare to confront your fears. Bring them out in the open by actually doing. Recovery is about going into the unknown. Into the territories you fear the most. We can not think our way back to life. Not wish we could do this or that. Why wish when you are actually able to do? You are stronger than you think. Braver than you think. And you want to live.

It is natural for us to focus on the numbers on the scale or the size of our jeans. Tangible aspects of change, making us loose sight of what else we gain. We gain a life. A future.

We gain ourselves.

Go out there. Into the great unknown. And win back your freedom.

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How can you challenge yourself?
Are there things ED prevents you from doing? Food it denies you to enjoy?
Remember that each moment is a moment to recover and that we’re all here to support each other through the struggles.

Thoughts on a Beautiful Day.

Don’t hesitate to seek help.

Fear it, but do it. The fear is in itself a sign that external help and support can contribute positive to your recovery process. It is the eating disorder which fears. Fears loosing you – its victim. Fear that the love and understanding from other people might change how you view yourself and the world again – that you’ll realize that you deserve and want something else than this existence.

Yes, I had my first meeting with the new therapist today. And yes, it was a positive experience. It felt like a relief. As if my recovery is in safer hands now, with her on my team. It is important for us to have an arena where we can openly adress and discuss our issues. Where we not only feel our issues, but also find a way forward. Because there is a way forward. The thoughts you battle, the urges that slowly kills you – you can be free from them. We’re all a work in progress. Through the long and hard battle that is recovery we need for someone else to be there when we loose our hope. For someone else to act as our healthy voice untill we’ve build up our own. And for someone else to refuse to let us believe that we can not do it. That we can not push past this BMI. Or eat that sandwich. Because in reality we can. It is a positive form of coercion – one that will bring you back to life.

Remember that recovery is possible. It is not some mumbo jumbo people tell you. You must talk the steps yourself, but you don’t have to walk alone.

On Relapse.

The first mail I recieved requested a post on something I view as inevitable in recovery -  relapse. The times we drift away from the path that leads to life. Finding ourselves scared or insecure and turning to ED to ask for help. That is one among many important aspects of any ED – it is there to provide us with numbness and a shelter from human life. We can kick it in the ass by confronting fear foods and gain strength, without it deciding to ditch us.
Portraying it as almost expected is not an attempt to neglect the seriousness of relapses, but to remind you that it is normal. It does not mean you’re weak or hopeless. That darkness once again makes itself present within you does not mean you’ll never experience light again. I am the living proof of that. So far my recovery process has involved three relapses, two of them major.

What is crucial to be aware of is the subtleness of relapse. It doesn’t hit you like a lightning, but evolves through a gradual process often difficult for us to detect. One rarely goes from following a meal plan 100 % to severe restricion in one day. Relapse is about slices of bread slowly decreasing in thickness. Walks increasing in length and intensity. Day by day ED come to dominate our thoughts and habits. Perhaps we do notice, but try to close our eyes to what is going on. Opening them up and facing the truth can often seem like too much of a challenge.

What happens when closing our eyes is no longer an option? The shame kicks in. The guilt , confusion and fright. The perfectionist so many of us carry within starts screaming. Was the health and hope we felt a month ago just an illusion? Just a trick from ED? We can drown in these negative thoughts, becoming more and more convinced that we’re doomed to be a slave of ED for the rest of our life. I did that during the first two relapses, and it demanded external intervention ( read : my beloved mum ) to pull me out of the shit and force me to continue forward. Despite the tiredness and fright, she knew that deep down it was not about me wanting for ED to be a part of my life, it was about a profound insecurity towards life itself. She knew that if we worked together we could establish a more solid sense of security and peace within me. For that I am forever grateful, because what matters when relapse occurs is that we don’t give up on ourselves and that other people don’t give up on us either. Change is possible. That is the fundamental truth and premise of recovery.

The third time anorexia knocked on my door and offered it services my mind were very much alert and worried about the changes in my behaviour and thoughts. We all know them don’t we? Increased anxiety. Depression. Irritation. Always in an internal rush. However, this did not lead me to stop the restriction immediately. It is not as easy as switch from death to life. Once again I thought that this was it, no use in even trying to combat ED. It was to be my abusive companion untill it had starved me to death. Then I remember a line I had once said to someone else who was going through a hard time : Every moment is a moment to start recovery. We don’t have to wait for tomorrow, because we all know that the “perfect tomorrow “  is likely to never come. Total and immediate compliance and motivation does not happen. Fighting fear happens in small, but significant steps. Confronting challenges you’ve been through before. Gradually moving closer to the road to life again. If you’re reading this and have that nagging sense within that your recovery is not going in the direction you know is right, try to think of things you can do today to start recovery again. Change can be to pick up the bar you decided to skip for snack and eat it, despite the guilt and feeling of being wrong. Or to cut down the walk with 15 minutes. Take a moment and make contact with yourself. I believe we all have an idea of things we could change today – this moment – if we only dare to face our fear.

My number one advice when relapse occurs is to reach out and know what my mum knew – it is not about desiring ED, it is about feeling insecure about life, your surroundings and the one you are. Not knowing how to position yourself in this crazy and huge world. Even though I knew my body was once again the target of anorexia the third time, I also knew that I could not face the demons alone. It takes courage to admit we need help, regardless of where we are in terms of recovery. It’s not just that we’re afraid of the battles we must go through in order to heal, it is also a sense of pride most human have. The desire to be independent. Make it on our own. Even though the truth is that neither healthy nor ill can survive on their own, we’re brought up in a society with an individualistic mentality. Asking for support or feeling small when faced with the challenges of life is not associated with any positive values – not managing to live according to ” the standard ” is portrayed as a sign of weakness and defect. If you ask me it is a dangerous and sad portrayal of human existence.
Being ill is nothing to be ashamed of. Needing help is not a sign of weakness.
To cut it short: There is nothing wrong with you. The list of what is wrong with an ED is endless, but you are not ED. You are a person trying to find your way, and daring to be honest with yourself and other is an act of beautiful courage. If you feel that something is not quite right, trust your own strength and talk with someone. A therapist, a friend or your parents. Let them know and allow for them to hold your hand while you get back up on your feet.

One of the challenges of recovery is that taking a step forward require mental fight, while one in the opposite direction can happen without us lifting an finger. It is not easy to keep a strong motivation over a longer period of time. One thing I’ve found very useful to help me maintain an awareness of how bad a life with ED actually is, is having a journal. You don’t have to write long essays. Make small notes of how the days when you restrict or engage in other forms of disorded behaviour are, as well as how you feel when you nourish yourself well. At least that helps me truly realize what a difference enough food makes – it is what helps me be me. When I eat well I am energetic, happier and much more interested in the world around me. Would you honestly trade that for the illusion of security ED gives you? From a healthy perspective that security is hell. Running around. Suppressing your own needs and desires. Trust me, I know that life is not easy. Making healthy decisions doesn’t turn life into heaven.  Far from it. And I know that you are scared, we all are from time to time. That is okay. Give yourself space to cry and fear the future. Allow yourself to feel that contrary to what people ( me included! ) tell you, recovery often seem like more of a hell than staying under the wings of ED. It is not easy to be alive. To have all these emotions and deal with experiences you’ve been through. No one is judging you for being tempted by the numbness one gets from restricting or bingeing. We all want peace within. Even if it is just for a second, before ED hits back and laughs at you for obeying its orders. But – and this is quite an important but – you deserve to build a life where you can handle being in your own skin in this world in ways that does not damage you. You are a beautiful human being. And you have the power to change. Through honesty and support. Stay in close touch with your support team. Tell them that you are not sure you can actually do this. Dare to let their belief in you help you forward untill you start believing in yourself. And never forget two beautiful truths ; Every moment is a moment to recover. Beneath the fear lies an incredible strength capable of defeating the monster within.

Short summary ( for those who tired of my rambling ) ; free yourself from the shame, take pride in daring to be open about your struggles. That in itself is a step away from ED. Reach out and allow people to help you. Write down feelings and thoughts, as well as share them with someone you trust and know is there to support you. And never, never, never give up.

Q : How do you deal with relapses? Personal advices to share?

Challenges of life.

So , Hedda is back from space. Or at least taking a little break from Uni life to give you an update. As i sat down to write I had literally no clue where to start, my mind is not too much of a fan with trying to summarize the complexity of a human life. Well, let’s give it a try anyways

This picture makes me so happy. It express hope of brighter future for all of us.

As with Uni I feel incredibly grateful for being a student. Having the opportunity to expand my knowledge of this world and the people inhabiting it is a gift. For years I’ve struggled with knowing what is right for me and my soul, basing my academical decisions and orientations on what other people ( read : dad and teachers ) expected and found most rational. Of course, it is not a disadvantage to be friends with math – but as it turns out math and I are still buddies despite me choosing to pursue a degree in social anthropology. We hang out from time to time, when I feel like challenging my mind, but it is learning to understand and respect other people that makes my heart beat a little bit faster. Anthropology shapes my attitude in a beautiful way , helping me to realize that we should never be so quick to judge someone who believes or does differently than us.
As with the project on jews and antisemitism – a valuable and important learning experience. I was sad to find out that many Jews are afraid to be open about this aspect of their identity, as they’re afraid to be met with threats or having to defend Israeli politics. What people should remember is to never see a person as just a part of an abstract collectivity – such as ” the Jews ” – see the individual in front of you. Jews are just as diverse as other people. Some are liberal, other extremely orthodox. Some support settlement on occupied territory, other strongly condemn it. None of them should be met with threats, but with a desire to engage in a dialogue where the goal is to create a space for mutual understanding.
[ Hedda is taking breathes and calming herself down. ]

Despite being quite the nerd my nose is not always glued to a book – I do experience the world out there. Hence the title. Challenges of life. Because life is challenging. Not necessarily in a negative way, challenges can be viewed as an opportunity for personal growth. Which is what I am doing my very best to do.
Since my last post a very special person has moved to my local area. Someone whom my mind associated with a lot of painful experiences, and who has in a way contributed to my struggles. Just knowing he is around brings back so many memories, but I am fighting to not let it affect my recovery. I will not allow him to control my mind or life, I simply refuse. For two years I’ve worked as hell – or through hell – to get where I am today. I am not going to lie, trying to love my body and dare to add more health to it has become more difficult. I am determined to do it of course , my life is still incredible and so is my body and soul.
The mental concequences of the news of his return helped me realize that having a therapist in my life would be a good idea. There is not the slightest sense of shame or weakness, I am done with feeling ashamed because I need support. None of us are weak. We stand up to demons each day. My decicion is motivated by a need for the safety provided by having someone professional in your recovery. It is not only about him, it is also about the memories and emotions increased mental capacity brings to the surface. Everything anorexia numbed is now raw and out in the open. Phsyical and mental abuse, rejections , the constant fear of not being good enough . . . This is a side effect of leaving the state of numbness and grow into an emotional human being. With previous therapists we’ve adressed these experiences, but back then I could not reflect upon them from a position as Hedda. My mind was too dominated by ED. I’m a changed person now. I love and value my life and refuse to let anyone or anything to destroy it.

So, well… I am actually quite excited about seeing a therapist! ( no, I was not immediately! ) Of course, the prospect of her telling me to change this or that does make me feel a bit anxious, BUT I shall not underestimate my own strength. It has already taken me much further than I ever thought possible. Unfortunately some have responded in a rather unexpected way to my decision to seek a therapist. Telling me they thought I had it all under control and that they’ve viewed me as an inspiration because I’ve managed to get my butt very close to health without a high level of professional support. It saddens me to be honest. In different stages in recovery we face different demons. In the beginning we can be dominated by our fear of food, while most of us later on experience that while food is no longer the challenge it used to be, other emotions and thoughts that has lied underneath it all makes themselves present. To be honest with ourselves and admit that we don’t want to deal with it all on our own is something we all should be very proud of. I just want you all to remember this – help is positive. Not just positive, but necessary. Never look down upon yourself or someone else because they need a hand or two to hold. View them as beautiful people with brave hearts and a soul that wants to continue embrace life.

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I’ll try to update this blog more often from now. I’ve been missing you My posts will probably not be as long and “deep” as they’ve been before, simply because I don’t have time to write the posts my heart would have loved to write if the days contained just a couple of more hours. However, the reflective posts will return after my exams are over. For now, I’ll try to just write short and inspirational ones. Reminding you all to keep on fighting, because you’re worth it. Love you all.

Update ; I forgot something important ( now, that has never happened before. . . ) Is there anything in particular you would like me to write about? Put it in your comment or send me a mail

Guest Post!

I’ve written a post for my beautiful friend Jessica : To Create Beauty From Pain. Hop along and leave a comment if you like

So sorry about being miss Absent – my life is superbusy! Picture me buzzing around like a bee, trying to get everything done I do make myself and my health a priority though, my ability to live life depends on my physical and mental condition.
Know that I’m thinking of you all – if there is anything, send me a tweet, mail or message at Facebook <3

An update, an appeal and an award.

Now, there you have a catchy title. Before I start with anything here- Happy New Year to everyone and congratulations for having made it through one of the most stressful period of the year for someone who fights an eating disorder. Maybe you stumbled, or maybe you stood tall – regardless of that be proud of yourself and look forward. Each day brings with it new opportunities to confront our fears and grow as human beings.

What has been going on in my life? Well, something rather interesting – a project on antisemitism, both in a historical context and in contemporary Europe. No research without taking a dip into the past, to help us understand the present situation better. This is probably the most exciting thing I’ve participated in for six years. Learning about different types of discrimination, constructions of twisted and dangerous world views and defining one specific group as an evil ” Other” is painful, but it also makes me feel alive again. This is what I’m passionate about and each day I follow my passions a clear message to ED is send – ” My life is better off without you. “
This project does take a lot of my time, so I am not quite sure how it will be with blogging in the nearby future. Blogging is therapy to me, and reading your blogs is thoughtprovoking and inspirational . Hopefully I’ll be having more time after this project is finished

Apart from that I am doing quite good recovery – wise, though there has been a couple of rough moments. We can’t hand out a ” What not to say… “- book to our brothers and sisters on this planet , but it could be an idea for people not to say things such as ” What, do you have to gain more weight? I think you look fine now!” to someone who is not yet completely healed. Just an advice. This comment definetely posed a threat to my mental state, but perhaps I should feel grateful in a way. To be challenged by other people’s words are an opportunity for me to prove to myself that I do actually prioritize my health, no matter what fight I must go through. Your awesome comments have all been very helpful to remind me of this, and to increase my motivation to do what it takes. Thank you – you mean life to me.

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Now, my appeal. Last year was an incredible year to me in many respects. For the first time in 6 years I followed a meal plan 100%. No restriction. No bingeing. It was hard, but worth it. Realizing that I was actually able to gain weight empowered me and made me believe that recovery is possible. It is amazing what an effect proper nutrition can have on the human brain – you could say that I ate my way to a more rational state of mind. Rational and happier. The power of food should not be underestimated, because even though recovery does not happen solely through eating , good nutrition is crucial to reverse some of the psychologial effects of being underweight.
Though, looking back also brings a certain pain within. There were lives lost. On 22. july Anders Behring Breivik killed so many innocent people, but eating disorders also claimed their victims. Three friends of mine were eaten up by this destructive illness. They tried to do it on their own, refusing to accept sufficient therapy. I can understand their resistance towards therapy very well, handing over control over our own life to someone else. But tell me – what control do we have left when an ED consumes our lives? Not much.
We can not change what happened to these three beautiful people, but we can change what happens to us. There are many blogs in this “community”, individuals who all find themselves in different situations regarding recovery. My appeal is primarily directed to those who struggle the most – who do not recieve enough therapy, who are not part of a support team and who do not eat enough to gain weight and with that life. Seek help. Don’t let the fear holding you back, because one day it might be too late. I see people go month after month without any signs of change, neither bodily nor mentally. There is a risk that such an existence leads to a belief that it is not possible to change, the anorexic state becomes normalized and that is dangerous. None of you have to live like this, nor do you need to suffer in silence.
I know some people argue they are too proud to ask for help, they want to recover on their own. What pride is it in slowly withering away? Of course there are those who do manage to fight their way out without therapy, but there are also many people who go day after day with an increased sense of hopelessness and frustration within.
To me, I don’t think it is so much pride that is holding us back from seeking help – it is fear. Fear of loosing the one thing that to us provides safety and protects us from the world. Therapy will not allow you to keep that source of safety, it will take it away from you. Bit by bit. Meal by meal. Forced or voluntary from your side. However, recovery doesn’t take without giving back- through the long and hard process we recieve a new attitude towards life and ourselves. Learning to use other sources to feel protected, learning that it is okay to be us, encouraging us to believe in ourselves. This is why recovery is worth it – you get a life again.
This is not an attack on anyone, please don’t interpret it as such. I am not saying any of you are lazy or stupid for not seeking help, because I know that is not what prevents you. It is a fear that could be lethal. So my appeal – and my hope – for 2012 is this : That those who deal with darkness on their own, dare to accept the hands that tries to reach out. Hold on to them and allow yourself to be supported back to life. You still have to take the steps yourself, and they’ll be challenging, but you will walk them supported by love from those around you. No more talking and not doing. We can’t talk our way to recovery. It has to be combined with eating.
We are not our eating disorders, but we will never discover who we are unless we truly heal. One life lost to an eating disorder is one too many, I do not want these evil forces to rob a beautiful person of her or his future.

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The two awesome people Eliza and Elizabeth  nominated me for a Versatile Blogger Award, so I’ll share some facts about me.

1 ) I have read the Bible. When I say this, people often ask ” Why? You are not even sure if you believe in Christianity?” Well, that shouldn’t be a precondition to stick my nose into a book that means so much to millions of people. I treat it as a way to understand people better, to get an insight into the values and doctrines they base their lives on. And for someone who studies anthropology it is highly interesting to see the similarities between the Old Testament and other myths of origin.

2 ) For four years I went with my dad to the local soccer matches. Not because I think soccer is fun, but because teenage Hedda found the players so smokin’ hot.

3 ) Most people don’t know that some of my favourite music is from the days “where they made real music”. Think 60 / 70, / 80. Van Morrison, Fleetwood Mac . . .

4 ) With that being said, I had the hugest crush on Aaron Carter. ( soccer players, Aaron Carter… what a sex drive at such an young age, haha! ). I was even convinced I saw him in my local area. Don’t ask me how I rationalized him being here in Norway, playing tennis and doing “normal” things without anyone else knowing.
Crazy little pary boy, how I loved him…

5 ) Philosophy is a subject that should be obligatory in schools if you ask me. We could all benefit from learning how people have tried to make sense of their existence here on Earth and the phenonomas they’ve observed around them, as well as developing a critical mind.

6 ) The movie I’ve watched most times is Happy Feet. It is a brilliant movie!

7 ) Hmm… what to write here… I believe the world could do with more equality. We live in a world where large groups are still discriminated and marginalized, which is neither natural nor necessary. Inequality is to a significant extent socially produced, hence it is possible to also produce equality. Not just in terms of material wealth, but in terms of what life chances people have. Access to education, proctection of human rights etc . . . We all deserve that!

Yup, that was a little bit about me. I don’t know who to nominate, nor do I tend to pass these awards forward ( booh, how boring of me! ).

But tell me what your favourite movie is Oh, and how this new year has treated you so far!

Okay, one more song – music makes life better!

Kick off your shoes and dance and sing ^^

The Weight of Life.

Thank you for the response on the previous post – your opinions are appreciated. What can I say? I am blessed to know such wise people.

***

Before you start reading, head on to the closest mirror and take a good look at yourself.

Done? You now have the permission to read further. What did you see? Or perhaps it is better to ask : who looked and evaluated your body?
Was it from an perspective where every hint of fat is deemed as the greatest sin? Or one where you acknowledge your own uniqueness and realize the beauty in being you?
For the last couple of months my mind has consolidated a positive attitude towards my own body – it is no longer judged in terms of ugly, bad, fat or disgusting. I don’t feel like cutting it into pieces, nor sit down in a corner and cry. Countless tears have been shed due to the experience of being in my own skin. Trapped in my body. A dark and distorted way of relating to myself. I’ve seen fat where there has been only skin and bones. Today I see the fat, I feel it. It is on my arms, stomach, hips, legs . . . But I no longer feel like starving it off. Why? Because a part of me has fallen in love with the effect of what the fat is an expression of – a healthier and stronger body. A healthier and stronger life.

Last week I took part in a debate about weight in recovery. We all agreed upon the weakness of using BMI as our only measure, as it does not take into account our individual body types. To define a ” target weight ” for anorexia patients is a complicated issue where the therapists are dealing with someone who is filled with fear of the prospect of eating. An essential act that has become intertwined with a web of difficult emotions. An important aspect of that fear is related to weight – to become “larger” also means to take up more space in this funny thing we call life. The life ED effectively separates us from through it’s torture.

During the debate a serious concern was brought up – setting a too low target weight. Several studies have found that bodies thrive when having an extra layer of fat. Most anorexics translate this into becoming fat which could not be further away from the truth. Recovery is not about getting fat, it is about once again live in a healthy body. And more often than not a healthy body requires a higher weight than many of us are willing to accept.
Why? Because our weight decides how protected we are. Calling it a day once you are just there, just above what is considered the minimum for a healthy weight, risk robbing your body of fundamental protection. Vital organs are much more exposed when we are close to underweight. It is harder for to fight of illness or to feel as physically strong as you do deserve. Weight restoration is also the key to reverse your bone loss , as well as improve your mental capacity. We all know how eating disorders make us feel depressed and give us a hard time concentrating, right? Even though eating doesn’t guarantee eternal happiness or that you’ll get a brain like Einstein, it does help you get back to life and once again activate the rational part of your brain. These benefits do not come knocking on your door immediately, but require of you to keep fighting untill you experience true health.

You know you are a cheese addict . . . Accompanied with a lovely glass of milk, this is the perfect supper for me.

As you see the therapists had a rather “technical” perspective upon what we win by fighting our way back to a healthy body, concentrating on the hard facts. These positive aspects are essential and has worked as a motivation for me, but in the appeal I held during the debate my focus was on what I find most important today – the symbolic significance of daring to gain after you are out of the danger zone. For me staying at my current weight, even though it is defined as normal, would not be okay. Why? Because it is not normal to my body. Because it means that I would find myself in a limbo with one foot remaining in the disorded universe – clinging to the need for being thin.
There is an extensive pressure on being slim in our society, making most of us believe that that is what we all should be. Thin is the healthiest and prettiest. No. To fully recover we can not base our health on the dominant perception of beauty, a concept that has changed throughout history. In my case that would have been to prioritize thinness over health, with anorexia stilling watching over me with it’s dark shadow. Carefully observing what I eat and the numbers on the scale. I encouraged the therapists to keep on supporting patients to get where their body felt happiest, no matter what resistance they had to confront. Liberation is realizing that beauty is health. My health. That comes in a larger size than what you see on the front of a magazine and that is okay. It means to improve my strength and health further even though the numbers on the scale is higher than they’ve been in five years. It is my body.  It is not fat. Not ugly. It is my companion through life. Remaining where I am now – or push myself to become the size my body prefers is a choice between anorexia and life. That is what it boils down to for all of us.
The fear of gaining weight is of course not just about our bodies, as we all know. It is about that complex web of emotions and thoughts. About leaving a disorder which has provided us with a sanctuary and enter life. In other words, restoring our weight is related to committing to life. That is why it is important for me to do so, no matter what. Only then can I be free. Not in the sense that a restored body equalize a healthy mind, but it’s nonetheless a fundamental step in the quest for mental liberation. My mind is not healthy if it doesn’t accept a higher weight. If I can not accept the amount of food I need to maintain. And my mind is not healthy if it can not handle challenges, emotions and thoughts without abusing my body. I want my body to be a story of hope – to symbolize the possibility of turning darkness to light, imprisonment to freedom.

Because it is possible. Because we can recover.

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With this I wish you a peaceful Christmas. Be kind to yourself. My thoughts will be with those who carry pain in their souls. May they once again feel freedom and light.